Seduction tips
by Uchiha Yumi
Summary: Rukia’s trying to win over Ichigo’s heart. Her fellow female friends try to help. [Oneshot, Humour]


**Author:** Uchiha Yumi

**Title:** Seduction tips

**Genre:** Humour

**Summary: ** Rukia's trying to win over Ichigo's heart. Her fellow female friends try to help.  
One-shot, Humour

**Rating:** T

**Parings:** Ichigo x Rukia (eeeew), hints of Byakuya x Renji (better)

**Main Characters: **Kuchiki Rukia, Matsumoto Rangiku, Ise Nanao, Soi Fong, Kusajishi Yachiru, Kotetsu Isane, Kotetsu Kyone, Hinamori Momo…and I guess it's all. Apart from the final surprise…

**Special thanks:** A special thank to Lilya-chan and FunnyNeko, for reading and correcting all of my nasty stuff.

**Disclaimer: **If only I owned Bleach, Rukia would have never existed in first place….but oh, well...this turned out funny

**Notes:**English is not my native tongue. Please tell me about my mistakes!

Aaaallright. That's something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I wasn't in a good mood that time, so don't expect some polished, cool piece of art. But it's funny anyway, I guess…

So, since there's another one-shot about Hitsugaya-taichou written in the same period, if the feedback for this one's good, I'll publish that one too.

**Dedicated** to all Rukia and IchiRukia's fangirls. Since I can't tolerate the pairing, this is probably one of the feeeeeew things about them I'll ever write. Enjoy!

_**Seduction Tips**_

"You want to conquer Ichigo's heart? We'll teach you how to seduce him!" the girls had said.

And when the girls said something, she had no power to argue.

So here they were.

It looked like an interrogation – a terrific one from one of those movies Isshin-san liked to watch.

There was a chair and she was sitting on it.

There was a big table and everyone else was _behind_ it.

As soon as her brain processed _how _bad that idea had _really_ been and tried to just stand up and leave, Rangiku pushed her back and began to talk.

"First lesson – men like girls with long, beautiful, flowing hair" the sexy woman moved so that her marvellous strands would appealingly flutter in the air as if male individuals were able to focus on anything else than her overly-large breasts when looking at her.

"Long…flowing…hair?" Rukia repeated, bewildered. Matsumoto nodded, using her index finger to point at the poor thing in front of her with a sort of accusing tone.

"Trim it and use some lavender ointment to make it smooth and shiny"

"Trim and ointment…" the smaller girl shinigami repeated and shook her head.. Her hair moved left and right, as if it was some sort of compact object – a bell, maybe. Too bad her cranium didn't ring just as well. She sighed – that would never do "Thank you…" she blabbered anyway, moving her gaze to the next "inquisitor" in the row.

"Boys love silky skin" this time it was Isane's turn to talk "Unohana-taichou said every one of her lovers complimented her on her perfect skin"

Rukia's eyes become as wide as car-lights. Her astonishment was barely controllable and, in fact, she exploded in an honestly surprised "Unohana-taichou…had…LOVERS?"

Kotetsu-fukutaichou frowned a little "Well? She's an incredibly attractive woman!" she remarked, blushing a couple of shades of red.

The black-haired shinigami cleared her throat, in a (poor) attempt to show she was sorry for her sudden (but sincere) reaction "…well…she just looks so reserved…"

"So what?!" Isane was even redder than before "Do all women need to be like her, to win over a man?"

She pointed her thumb at Matsumoto, who just candidly leered and brushed back a lock of her aforementioned "astounding-strands-of-doom".

"K-Kotetsu-san, I didn't mean…"

"Enough" Nanao firmly cut them off, arranging the glasses on her nose "Arguing about Unohana-taichou isn't the point of our meeting. As far as I'm concerned, I can tell that looks aren't important. Seduction is a complex matter and it is mainly lead by the head"

"Hair _is_ on the head" Matsumoto crossed her arms and squeezed her breasts a little, nodding matter-of-factly. Ise-fukutaichou shot her a murderous glare and the other woman just pouted a little.

Rukia frowned, dejected – just _why_ did she accept in first place?

"I mean you must learn how to interest him" the vice-captain resumed "show him you like the things he does. Try to involve him psychologically, to convince him into being your boyfriend"

Kuchiki blinked "…involve him…psychologically?"

"Yes. Is there anything Kurosaki-san particularly likes to do?" the woman went on, hopeful to conclude that pointless reunion with her smart remarks.

Her interlocutrix seemed to be absorbed in deep thinking "He likes to play basketball, but he says I'm too small to be a match for him. Oh, and he likes to sleep. But I don't think we can get…psychologically…uhm…" she cleared her throat "Well, I can't get him into being my boyfriend by just sleeping with him, can I?"

"Depends on how you intend it" Rangiku giggled again, making the poor girl just more confused. Nanao just sighed deeply, giving her fellow Fukutaichou another reproachful glance.

"I pass on" she surrendered, looking at the woman next to her.

Soi-Fong randomly glared around and didn't even addressed her a direct glance "Loss of time. Men are pigs, with no exceptions. Not even your brother"

The answer was so stern it didn't leave Rukia room to reply – she just blushed, trying to think when and where Byakuya-nii-sama could be a pig. She then remembered some sort of chat she had with Renji after their "official engagement". Her cheeks became so red she couldn't even look straight at the next "counsellor". Even if it was Hinamori-san.

"Well…" the petit Vice-captain stuttered a little "I guess you should smile at him…a smile's always good, ne?" she shyly beamed of her own to underline the concept "make him laugh if you can…"

The girl's embarrassed expression turned sarcastic "Make him laugh? That happens even when I don't wanna…damn boy…" she crossed her arms on her chest, sighing.

"S-sumimasen!" Momo apologized quickly, bowing her head down in an ashamed manner.

"It's alright, Momo-chan…" Rukia smiled a little and looked at the next one…Yachiru?!

Poor virgin ears of that poor baby – if she could understand the matter, that was.

"GIVE HIM CANDY!" she erupted "EVERYBODY WANTS CANDY!" she jumped on the table, munching some sort of lollipop "Here, try!" she took the thing out of her mouth and offered it to the girl in front of her.

Kiyone gently took Yachiru back, before her companion's eyes could definitely pop out of her orbs "You'd better be devoted to him, Rukia-chan…Men love faithfulness. Grant his every wish…" the girl blushed.

Kuchiki gave her an odd look – righto. She was _that much _in love with Ukitake-taichou, huh? It was a bad, bad case…

"…Ichigo would make me tidy up for him and wash the dishes, if I say something like that…" she truthfully replied, imagining the boy's sadistic grin as she worked to retrieve his dirty socks from beneath his bed and he just watched her, drinking a coke. Bastard.

"…you're all rookies here" a female voice interrupted Rukia's trail of thoughts.

She turned and spotted none other than Shihouin Yoruichi standing on the doorframe. Soi-Fong blushed so much she looked sunburnt.

"I'm no rookie at all, Yoruichi-saaaaan!" Rangiku replied, arranging her…goods in her haori.

"You all are" the orange-dressed girl walked up to them "No one gave her a decent tip"

Kuchiki Rukia looked more astonished than ever – Shihouin Yoruichi was there too? Her brother's childhood mate? One of Soul Society's most attractive wom- wait. That was good for her.

"…and what should I do, then, Shihouin-san?" she cautiously ventured.

"d'ya really want him…?" the woman leered, a cat-like expression on her face. Rukia shivered.

"O-Of course…" she hesitantly replied.

"Then ya must learn to eat and swallow a whole ice-cream in a _sole_ motion…" she grinned, almost mimicking the gesture with her hands and tongue.

The utter silence followed the statement and every single girl in there turned to stare at the former Taichou of the Second Squad.

Then, the chaos – Matsumoto burst out laughing, eyeing Rukia in a knowing manner, Nanao-chan smacked her own forehead, while the others exchanged perplexed and embarrassed looks, slightly clearing their throats. Yachiru excluded, obviously. She just remarked that ice-cream was almost as good as candies, in the end.

"I-Ice cream…?" Rukia blinked, looking around "…but Ichigo doesn't like ice-cream…" she commented, trying to figure out how eating something could do her any good.

"Right to the point, ne, Yoruichi-san?" the Tenth Division Lieutenant kept on laughing like crazy, doing various, unreadable gestures that – that much Rukia understood – should have been hinting to something.

The former Captain just grinned "No man can refuse that, my dear Rukia – ask your brother and his lover…"

As the whole group blushed more and more, Kuchiki Rukia knew for sure she'd lost a few passages.

_**OWARI**_


End file.
